It is a well-documented fact that Mike Nolan cannot provide a decisive answer to even the most basic question. Instead of the straightforward machismo of a Ditka, or the strategic obfuscation of a Walsh, Nolan prefers the meandering irrationality of a Rumsfeld. I think it’s pretty obvious that Nolan thinks his press conference audience is comprised only of enemies and fools. This undeserved arrogance gives us a small peek into the man’s mind, and insight into why the 49ers never seem to put a complete (regular-season) game together.
Quotes from 49ers.com (Questions and Nolan's responses in gold-ish):
Any new decisions as far as the quarterback situation?
“No there’s been no decision. As soon as we do, I’ll offer it, but right now we don’t. As soon as we watch the film, grade it, and our guys are getting more involved in Chicago and we’ll go from there. No decisions. Nothing to announce.”
Translation: Hell if I know what to do with these 3 guys. One of them throws Favre-grade interceptions, one can’t anticipate receivers, and one can’t throw longer than 12 yards. Oh yea, and I don’t need quarterbacks. Remember the 2000 Ravens? That’s my blueprint. God I miss Trent Dilfer.
How much better can he (J.T. O’Sullivan) be with playing time?
“Well, I think anyone gets better with playing time. I think that’s fair to say. I would like to believe whoever we name quarterback, that that person – you know you obviously want to get better when the season goes along. I think that all of them can get better.”
Translation: We’re screwed regardless of our starting QB. I haven’t a clue how to manage the most important position on the team. Welcome to my legacy. [Pulls out cell phone. dials Trent Dilfer (he’s first in the contacts list)]
Do you think you’re getting a fair reading on Alex Smith and Shaun Hill at this point?
“I feel good about what we’re doing so far from a repetition stand point and time as well. Practice counts as well. So I feel good about the time.”
Translation: Why do you question me? You couldn’t possibly understand my “repetition stand point and time” metric.
We have talked about the naming of a starter for the regular season. Have you gone down that path yet of what you want to accomplish Thursday night in Chicago?
“Not quite yet, no. Because I’m just getting to looking at film on them. We’re just putting closure to the game from yesterday. But, going forward, we’ll do more work tonight and tomorrow. Again, Mondays – today’s not a Monday, as you well know – but Monday's schedule, typically, you’re putting closure to the prior game, and that’s about where we are.”
Translation: I haven’t looked at any film of the quarterbacks on my roster. I’ve spent the last 7 months watching film of Trent Dilfer. Not just football film, either, if you catch my drift. I don’t know what day it is.
Given Bryant Johnson’s injury situation, what’s the possibility of Josh Morgan starting the first regular season game?
“It’s too premature to say. I want to get … I don’t know when … We’ve only played two … we’re just halfway through preseason. We’ve only played two preseason games. Obviously we play four preseason games and we’ve only played two. So, there’s still a lot of time left for us to make that assessment of whether we want him to start or not. He’s done a very good job, and I don’t want to take anything away from the way he’s playing, but there’s nothing to report on that.”
Translation: Josh Morgan looks like a legitimate NFL receiver that could possibly scare defenses, so I’m going to bench him in favor of a grizzled vet who scares no one. The vet will provide 1 or 2 catches per game, helping us to a 3-9 record in November. At that point, Josh definitely gets his shot (but only after I’ve attacked him with my patented “motivation-magic” for 3 months).
Obviously, you’re looking at this from an expert’s eye. How would you assess his overall play last night?
A: blah blah blah
Translation: Nolan, flattered to no end by being referred to as an “expert”, proceeds with a 170 word answer. As a gift to his questioner, who obviously “gets it”, he drops one precious bit of insight:
“Really was a nice play by Alex and Josh, where they timed up well, and Alex stepped up and threw it before Josh was even out of his break, which is what you’re supposed to do.”
I guess stating that Alex Smith performed his job on one snap isn’t really insightful, but for Nolan this is a major concession.
How would you assess Josh Morgan’s blocking at this point?
“Good question. I can’t even answer it, to be honest with you. I haven’t looked at it. He’s fully capable. I know in practice he does a good job. I don’t see a weakness in that area, but I can’t say how he did in the game.”
Translation: How could I evaluate him if I haven’t watched any game film, Einstein? And why would I, master of defense, evaluate a potential playmaker we plucked in the 6th round? You should ask Martz. Next.
Is Tony Wragge’s play putting him in contention for the starting spot at the beginning of the season?
“Well, he’s done a good job. When the other guy comes back, the better player is going to play. So, we’ll see. David [Baas] started half the season last year at right guard. Tony has played in the past for us and done a good job. If nothing else, you have to feel good a little bit about the depth inside at guard. Kind of like at the receiver position, with some of these young guys getting some opportunities to play. It helps our depth.”
Translation: David Baas will start because I drafted him in the second round and my vanity will not allow an Arena reject to start. You hear that Martz? This guy thinks someone from the Arena league might start on our team. Idiot! Oh yea, and with the receivers, Josh Morgan is just depth: no chance to start.
Do you have to evaluate David Baas on what he did last year? Because you won’t have enough time to evaluate him on what he did this year...
“We’ll see when he gets back. The timetable for when he gets back -- I think he’s a little ahead of schedule. We’ll know that for sure the day he gets back. And if that happens, maybe he’ll get some opportunities. If he comes out and shines right away, then there might be something to it. But otherwise, like I said, I think it’s a good problem to have if you have two guys competing who can play when the season begins.”
Translation: No. Baas will start if he’s healthy. The roster I have cemented in my head says so.
On that play when Donald Lee got so wide open in the end zone, I’m assuming that Takeo Spikes bit on the play action and that’s the reason he got so wide open. I’m wondering if that’s correct, and, overall, how did he play?
“Takeo played eight plays. He did not have the responsibility of the tight end on that play. That was not his play at all. He might have been able to bang the guy before he when up the field, but by the formation, that was not his.”
Translation: Finally! A question about the defense. Maybe these nitwits are catching on. To answer your obviously IDIOTIC question: Takeo will never be in error, for he is a grizzled vet. I heart grizzled vets.
Who was responsible for Lee on that play?
Nolan goes on about banjos. I can’t imagine playing for this guy. Still, his boiled-down answer is actually pretty good. It is about defense after all. Basically Spikes missed the bump and the tight end used his eyes to freeze the DBs.
Were there any injuries to report?
“Jonas [Jennings] had a hand, had a knuckle that got banged up. They were checking it; I don’t know what the extent of it quite yet. But they had to check it out to make sure there wasn’t a break or something.”
Translation: Jonas Jennings once had a hand. They had to check out his ovaries to make sure there wasn't a break or something.
Do you know when that occurred in the game?
“I do not. I do not, because it wasn’t told to me after the game. I think it was something that he just came in this morning with.”
Translation: It occurred during his time on the field. Since this will amount to all of 12 minutes this season, who cares about Jonas Jennings. Next.
A: Nolan says Morris and Keasey are both doing a good job. No decision. I’m shocked. I know the answer will come in the form of roster cuts, but it’s so obvious Nolan doesn’t give a crap about this competition.
Next there are a couple special teams questions. Nolan essentially rolls his eyes and makes jerk-off motions with his hand.
