Gross

The narrative will be "49ers defense is stout in dominant win over Eagles, gets season back on track". That narrative will be written by people who didn't watch the game.

Pro tip: when you give up 3 defensive and special teams scores, you're going to "dominate" time of possession. That's not a good thing, idiots. Absolutely atrocious special teams play continues to destroy this team. Adding that with the penalties, they are making every game an unwinnable battle against both themselves and whoever they are playing. It's very frustrating to watch a team this talented (even with their injuries, they still have top 10 talent) continue to blow chances to win games.

The defense played pretty well, until they actually needed to play well, then they folded like a card table. That's a theme for this team in 2014- crap the bed when you actually need to play well. They looked vintage 2006 on that last Eagles drive, somehow getting bailed out at the end when Nick Foles decided to miss a wide open target on 3rd down for the game winner. That was not a defensive stand, that was the offense making mistakes. This team needs Aldon Smith back more than it has ever needed anyone. Also: any commentator who tells you Aldon Smith is only good because of Justin Smith is a moron, and the last 4 games are all the proof you need. No pressure from anyone.

This team's identity is run the ball and play defense. If you take away the defense, then try to compensate by throwing the ball, it's not going to work. I'm not sure if Greg Roman is simply incapable of that kind of game plan, if Kaepernick cannot execute that type of offense, or if without Davis they don't have the necessary personnel to pull it off, but whatever it is, it ain't working. They cannot be a pass-first team, which is an issue when your defense and special teams suck so much ass. When they got back to running in the 2nd half, the offense looked much more comfortable and in-rhythm. That's what they need to do if they want to have any chance to win games until the defense gets better.

I'm glad they won this game, but nothing is fixed. They are still fundamentally broken on defense and dysfunctional on offense. I mean they are STILL burning at least 2 timeouts PER HALF because Kaepernick STILL isn't aware that there's a thing called a play clock and you need to HURRY THE FUCK UP AT THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE. How is that still a thing?! That alone proves to me that this team is in serious trouble and has no chance of winning when it matters.

There was one good thing, though: that Stevie Johnson catch was one of those leap out of the chair screaming and jumping around moments. What an amazing play on both sides. And the Gore play was Kaepernick doing what few others can do- I just wish he could distill that out of all the stupidity that comes with his play.

Heh

Lemme start off by acknowledging something: I am pathetic. I fully accept that. I'm one of those sports nerds who remembers the kind of information that is ONLY useful if I'm on your team and you land on the green (or orange!) space in trivial pursuit. I can tell you exactly how many yards per carry Frank Gore averaged in his breakout 2006 season, for example. Need to fix your car? Well, good luck with that, but I would love to give you a dissertation on why the 1984 49ers were the greatest football team ever assembled, and why the 2004 49ers were the worst.

All of this to say: when I watch a game like today's, it's through the lens of a fan who remembers games like this one, when thousands upon thousands of mouth-breathing Cowboys fans filled the stick (making it sound like a Cowboys' home game), and I had to watch Drew Bledsoe throw a game-winning TD to KESHAWN JOHNSON. Yes, that actually happened. I'd like to go back in time and shove this game down my 16 year-old self's throat over and over again until he realized that Mike Nolan was maybe not going to be a very good coach.

I also remember games like this, when a former 49er and guy partly responsible for sending them spiraling downwards into a decade of horrenditude spent the afternoon destroying our joke of a secondary and being a dick in general, something he was very familiar with and good at. In retrospect, maybe that Singletary guy wasn't going to turn out so well either.

And I really remember this one. This was a new era. Jim Harbaugh was our savior. Just one week prior, he'd bested the most annoying used car salesman in the league in excruciating and incredible fashion, and things were going to be DIFFERENT THIS TIME GOD DAMMIT. Oh wait, there's a guy with a DEFLATED LUNG throwing a 70 yard pass in overtime to, and there's no way I could make this up, a security guard who won a fucking reality TV show to get his NFL shot.

I remembered all of these things. I only needed to look up the exact details, I remembered the years and the exact games and the losses and the feelings that came with each of those losses. This was the first time the 49ers have beaten the Cowboys in 12 years, the last being the infamous "star game" where TO was a huge dick and many members of Dallas were also huge dicks. That's how long it's been. The Cowboys haven't even been GOOD in all that time! That's an underrated string of really horrible losses.

So when I see a game like today's, played in a shiny new Dallas stadium that was taken over by fans in red jerseys who made it sound like a 49ers' home game (50/50 split!), who cheered lustily at every Tony Romo interception, every Anquan Boldin 3rd down conversion, and every Vernon Davis touchdown catch- THAT is what makes me still really really enjoy watching football. When all of that pent-up anger and frustration over terrible performances against this fucking pathetic husk of a football team finally gets let out in the most perfect amalgamation of events possible, it makes me almost kind of start to forget how terrible the end of last season was, and how thoroughly the Seahawks have ruined football.

There's still good left, and it comes in the form of Jerry Jones sadly applauding his team scoring in garbage time, Troy Aikman weakly and sheepishly defending his boys as they are being curb-stomped in front of his very eyes, and Jimmy Johnson forlornly yearning for days gone by after being forced to watch his beloved team violated at home in every possible way. There is good in the world, and it comes from Cowboys' tears:

Fuck you, Dallas. You deserved this one.

Body Blows etc.

I don't think much changes this season. For all the shit about "opening up" the offense (whatever that means), I don't see Harbaugh straying too far from his guiding principal: beat up and intimidate the other team with power running and better than league average defense.

Defensively, I'm hoping to see the maligned new-look secondary play better than expected. I'll try and keep the faith after Dez Bryant goes deep several times on Culliver today (that sounds nasty), because Dez Bryant is a superfreak athlete and he can do that to anyone.

I'm still hurting after the championship game, and I'm not sure I can ever forgive that fucking fade to Crabtree (again!), but hopefully Colin K ignores all the shit and keeps playing like he does, because he's really good.

Okay, I'm prepared to watch Frank Gore* slam into the line several times for no gain, with the Niners looking awful until two minutes before the half. How about you?

*And possibly the new guy

FRW