THERE They Are!

Normal service has been resumed, everyone. If you'd asked me what the 49ers' biggest issues were going to be this season, I would have responded, in order of importance:

• Defense (nearly 50 points given up!)
• Coaching (2 pointers galore! Who knew that was a thing?!)
• Offense (garbage time is the best time!)
• Literally everything else

I didn't watch even one second of this game, but judging from the box score, it went exactly as I imagined it would- the defense had no answer for a competent NFL offense, and the offense could not keep up because it is being run by people who do not belong in the NATIONAL. FOOTBALL. LEAGUE. 

Maybe it took one week for the system to reboot, maybe there was a lingering program from the previous operating system. Or maybe the Vikings just really suck! Ether way, the team that played yesterday is the team we're getting this season. I hope you guys enjoy the extra time on your fall Sundays as much as I did yesterday! It was fabulous! 

Huh

I'm not sure you could have scripted a more perfect metaphor for this franchise over the past 5 years than what happened on that opening drive. Expectations are historically low, their performance out of the gate surprises you: hey, maybe they're on to something here! Whoa! WHOA!!!!...holding, fail, fail, blocked FG.

"They show promise, they come away with nothing- YOUR San Francisco 49ers!"

Even the little promise they've shown in this game is very deceiving. The Vikings are not a good club. This is a battle of 2 sub-par teams doing an NFL impersonation, and none of us knows any better because it's week one. Very amateur mistakes on both sides, failure to capitalize on glaring opportunities, poor clock management, and Jarryd Hayne.

3 plays that sum up what we have to look forward to this season: blocked FG, Hayne dropping a punt, and the defense needing Bridgewater to run into his own offensive lineman, and still hardly getting a sack out of it.

This is precisely what I would have expected from this crew: talented players at some spots, but held back by poor planning and mental mistakes, which will not go away as time passes. If anything they will get worse. I feel confident posting this halfway through the 2nd quarter because I will not be proven wrong by this lot.

Edit 1: Oh hey guys they did it again! You knew as soon as Ellington caught that punt that it was going for a TD, and that it would be called back. A horrendous decision by Zimmer is bailed out by horrendous execution by the 49ers. These are professional teams, y'all!

Edit 2: Carlos Hyde is pretty OK- there, I said something nice about them. That was quite a spin move. Dayum.

Edit 3: The defense always has and always will own Adrian Peterson. So...that's cool I guess. But they're about to give up a hail mary at the end of the half.

Edit 4: Even better! A holding call! hahahahahahahah here we go you guys!

Edit 5: Holy s**t Carlos Hyde.

Why Don't the Seahawks Want Marshawn Lynch to Win Them A Game?

Everything possible has been said about Seattle's decision to pass rather than letting their 450 pound steroid-riddled running back walk in to the end zone and deliver them a second championship, so why go there again? Well, they kind of made us go there with their (there's no other word for it) bizarre play call yesterday.

Does Pete Carroll feel an obsessive need to be smarter than everyone else? Do they really, really, really not want to pay the man? Do they just not like him personally? How else does one explain those two situations- one in which a simple handoff from the one yard line was shunned in favor of an overly complex pick play against 3 defensive backs, and one in which a simple handoff on a 4th-and-one game-deciding play was shunned in favor of a shotgun draw?

Everyone in the stadium, on the sidelines, in the press box, watching at home, and on the friggen space station knew that Lynch was getting the ball on that play. There's no way that Carroll, after facing the absolute avalanche of hate and abuse this offseason, was going to pass in that situation. So why pretend? Why on earth would you handicap your offense like that, when you know the defense is thinking one thing? Why wouldn't you pass there? If you're really smarter than everyone, that's the play to make. I quite literally do not understand what they were thinking.

All of which is a very long way to say: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

We are relegated to cheering other people's failures this season. We may as well enjoy it. The Cardinals look good, they're my pick for the division. We'll be fighting with St Louis for the last spot. They did everything they could to lose that game, and Seattle refused to take it. That was quite a show.