Saturday, December 20, 2014
Comic Farce
This team is in full-on 2005 mode. A bomb touchdown called back by 2 offensive penalties, and the next play is a strip sack TD for the defense. LOL. Burn it to the ground. What a joke.
Friday, November 28, 2014
THIS. OFFENSE. SUCKS.
Anyone believe me now? When your owner feels the (stupid and misguided) need to publicly apologize after a humiliating loss, I think it's probably time to admit you have a problem. Either Colin Kaepernick is not a professional quarterback or Greg Roman doesn't know how to use him. There are no excuses left for this offense- the O line is good enough and the skill positions are stacked with talent. It's the QB or it's the coaching, there's nothing else left. That was a pathetic, unprofessional showing. Can't use the excuse of a short week- you were at home 2 weeks in a row. If there's any way to be ready for a short week, the 49ers had it. That was nonsense.
I stopped watching after 1 quarter because I knew exactly how this game was going to go. Kaepernick is either really injured in a way that we haven't heard about, or the league has adjusted to his one move and he can't get past it. The offense is broken in a way that obviously is not fixable, because it's been a good 3 or 4 straight weeks of this. I almost hope they don't make the playoffs so at least the dull ache won't turn into crushing disappointment. Screw this team.
I stopped watching after 1 quarter because I knew exactly how this game was going to go. Kaepernick is either really injured in a way that we haven't heard about, or the league has adjusted to his one move and he can't get past it. The offense is broken in a way that obviously is not fixable, because it's been a good 3 or 4 straight weeks of this. I almost hope they don't make the playoffs so at least the dull ache won't turn into crushing disappointment. Screw this team.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
This Offense Sucks
Kaepernick is not getting better. He's the same disjointed, uncomfortable0looking athlete posing as a QB that he's always bee...oh wait sorry that's exactly what I wrote last week. And lookie there! It's still true!
What I liked about this game:
7-4 is all that really matters (and now only 2 games behind the soon to be 9-7 Cardinals), but good god. I think I get to complain a little about losing to a complete disaster of a team who was playing on the road and whose QB is Peyton Manning but without the smarts, accuracy, or mobility.
The only comfort comes from knowing Seattle is not much better, and at least the short week game is at home and coming after a home game. They're going to lose it, though. God what a pathetic performance that was.
What I liked about this game:
- The defense (again)
- Carlos Hyde (probably time to Kevin Barlow the bull Gore, as much as I love him)
- Anquan Boldin, because how on earth is he still walking after that hit
- Literally everything else about the offense
7-4 is all that really matters (and now only 2 games behind the soon to be 9-7 Cardinals), but good god. I think I get to complain a little about losing to a complete disaster of a team who was playing on the road and whose QB is Peyton Manning but without the smarts, accuracy, or mobility.
The only comfort comes from knowing Seattle is not much better, and at least the short week game is at home and coming after a home game. They're going to lose it, though. God what a pathetic performance that was.
Monday, November 17, 2014
This offense sucks
Kaepernick is not getting better. He's the same disjointed, uncomfortable0looking athlete posing as a QB that he's always been, only now defenses have wised up and his athleticism has largely been negated. I mean really, though- your defense gives you FIVE TURNOVERS against a 3-6 team and you score 16 points? And we're supposed to think this is a good team? No, no sir. This was a joke of a game against a crap opponent and they barely scraped out a win. Anyone who thought the Saints win was a major milestone should go ahead and check out the Saints' performance today. Let's just say they are not the 2009 version.
The good news? The Cardinals are a smokescreen and the Seahawks are imminently beatable, as is pretty much every other team in the NFC. The 49ers own and will always own the Packers, the South sucks, and the east is LOL.
Just kidding, the good news is actually the defense because GOOD GOD THAT DEFENSE YOU GUYS. It's the kind of defense that can get 5 turnovers, and then when the offense refuses to do anything with them because the offense is incompetent, they just go ahead and win the game themselves. I love how the front office is just like "yeah, we'll take this fifth round white guy and replace PATRICK WILLIS with him, and there will be next to no drop off." "Oh yeah, and that guy we're paying $7 million a year to rush the passer? We have a rookie making nothing who's actually better than him". It looks like Aldon Smith really is a magic talisman of some sort. The defense was RIDICULOUS. I know it's Eli, but the defense ain't looked that good against nobody this year. That was some old school Jim Harbaugh goodness.
Still pretty sure this team is not going to win a Super Bowl, but equally sure the Cardinals will not win the division. The 49ers have 5 very likely wins in their last 6 games, the Cardinals have 5 very likely losses in their next 6. I look forward to them going a very uninspiring 10-6 and missing the playoffs. Again. Because that is their fate and what they deserve as a franchise because screw the Cardinals.
lol peyton
The good news? The Cardinals are a smokescreen and the Seahawks are imminently beatable, as is pretty much every other team in the NFC. The 49ers own and will always own the Packers, the South sucks, and the east is LOL.
Just kidding, the good news is actually the defense because GOOD GOD THAT DEFENSE YOU GUYS. It's the kind of defense that can get 5 turnovers, and then when the offense refuses to do anything with them because the offense is incompetent, they just go ahead and win the game themselves. I love how the front office is just like "yeah, we'll take this fifth round white guy and replace PATRICK WILLIS with him, and there will be next to no drop off." "Oh yeah, and that guy we're paying $7 million a year to rush the passer? We have a rookie making nothing who's actually better than him". It looks like Aldon Smith really is a magic talisman of some sort. The defense was RIDICULOUS. I know it's Eli, but the defense ain't looked that good against nobody this year. That was some old school Jim Harbaugh goodness.
Still pretty sure this team is not going to win a Super Bowl, but equally sure the Cardinals will not win the division. The 49ers have 5 very likely wins in their last 6 games, the Cardinals have 5 very likely losses in their next 6. I look forward to them going a very uninspiring 10-6 and missing the playoffs. Again. Because that is their fate and what they deserve as a franchise because screw the Cardinals.
lol peyton
Monday, November 10, 2014
Truth
The NFL is a joke now w the new rules that favor the offense. These current stats will 1 day be looked back like the steroid era in baseball
— jim florentine (@Mrjimflorentine) November 10, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS AGAIN
WHY ARE THESE MORONS DROPPING PASSES, YOU ARE PAID MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO CATCH A FOOTBALL. CATCH THE FOOTBALL. THAT IS LITERALLY, LIKE, YOUR ONLY JOB.
This is total BS.
This is total BS.
That was satisfying
don't even care if the 49ers lose tonight. What a hilarious way for the Seahawks to lose a game, with the other team desperately trying to hand it to them. Pete Carroll gets thoroughly out-coached by Jeff Fisher which, really, maybe when that happens it's time to hang up the cleats. How on earth you're not ready for a fake punt there against a team who does them all the time is beyond me, but damn if I didn't die laughing.
And Pete Carroll flailing around after his team just got completely pinked on that "fake return"- I want a gif of that. Hilarious.
When Seattle loses it's almost as good as the 49ers winning. That's a huge game for SF's division chances, now if only Oakland can maybe chose this one game to stop being the Raiders just for, like, 5 minutes. That would be great.
And Pete Carroll flailing around after his team just got completely pinked on that "fake return"- I want a gif of that. Hilarious.
When Seattle loses it's almost as good as the 49ers winning. That's a huge game for SF's division chances, now if only Oakland can maybe chose this one game to stop being the Raiders just for, like, 5 minutes. That would be great.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Same old Rams
I felt like I was taking crazy pills in the 1st half, and am still not entirely sure what to make of that. The 49ers weren't even playing especially bad (other than the COMPLETELY UNFORGIVABLE fumble by McDonald that I saw coming a mile away. What a tool.), but St Louis actually did look like they'd gone back to 1999.
It fit a little too perfectly, what with the no-name QB who'd been bagging shoes at the local mall 10 months ago or whatever coming in to save the day and carry his team to an improbable win on "let's celebrate the only time in our history we've ever been exciting or relevant" night. The pit of my stomach was full of bile and dread and fear. He was making actual plays. The 49ers were not blowing coverages, this guy was stepping away from free-running defenders and throwing balls into impossibly tiny windows, and on the other end his no-name receivers were making the kind of catches that signal "hey defense, nice try and all but you're screwed tonight". The penalties by SF were maddening and stupid and frustrating, but even without them St Louis looked like they were simply better for, oh, 29 minutes and 30 seconds. Then they stupendously, amazingly, and all at once decided collectively to remember "oh shit! We're the Rams aren't we?!".
Yeah, it was Janoris Jenkins who blew the coverage, but I choose to believe that was The Rams Way rearing its ugly head. Man coverage with no help over the top when the opponent is at their own 20 and has under a minute left? The Rams Way. Blame Jenkins all you want, but what the hell was that coverage?! It's a long list of awesome 49ers moments in recent years, but for me that play is right up there. So much meaning and history and narrative just kind of fell into place in a space of 80 yards. That's the kind of play where as a completely irrational fan you're thinking "hey, all we need is a defender to fall down or something, then we're right back in this thing!", except it actually happened, because The Rams. They are the Rams and always The Rams shall they be.
Then all was well for the rest of the game. Sure, maybe SF should have taken the 3 points at the end there, but I'm pretty sure they were like "hey, it's the Rams, whatever". Vance McDonald: I know you're annoyed that Vernon was an idiot and cost you a TD, but maybe you should, you know, FIGHT FOR THE GODDAMN BALL a little more when you're hit at the point of a catch. He should have caught that. Between that and the fumble, I'm fired up at McDonald after that game. Gross performance.
Seattle loses at home, the 49ers continue their pretty impressive night game play under Jim Harbaugh, and Kaepernick wins me the week in fantasy football. It went well this weekend!
That TD to Boldin is why I should shut the hell up any time I want to bash Kap. That play, man. Quick: how many other QBs in the league could make that play? Oh, ZERO! That throw was UNBELIEVABLE and he made it with like 5 guys in his face throwing off-balance. Dayumm.
It fit a little too perfectly, what with the no-name QB who'd been bagging shoes at the local mall 10 months ago or whatever coming in to save the day and carry his team to an improbable win on "let's celebrate the only time in our history we've ever been exciting or relevant" night. The pit of my stomach was full of bile and dread and fear. He was making actual plays. The 49ers were not blowing coverages, this guy was stepping away from free-running defenders and throwing balls into impossibly tiny windows, and on the other end his no-name receivers were making the kind of catches that signal "hey defense, nice try and all but you're screwed tonight". The penalties by SF were maddening and stupid and frustrating, but even without them St Louis looked like they were simply better for, oh, 29 minutes and 30 seconds. Then they stupendously, amazingly, and all at once decided collectively to remember "oh shit! We're the Rams aren't we?!".
Yeah, it was Janoris Jenkins who blew the coverage, but I choose to believe that was The Rams Way rearing its ugly head. Man coverage with no help over the top when the opponent is at their own 20 and has under a minute left? The Rams Way. Blame Jenkins all you want, but what the hell was that coverage?! It's a long list of awesome 49ers moments in recent years, but for me that play is right up there. So much meaning and history and narrative just kind of fell into place in a space of 80 yards. That's the kind of play where as a completely irrational fan you're thinking "hey, all we need is a defender to fall down or something, then we're right back in this thing!", except it actually happened, because The Rams. They are the Rams and always The Rams shall they be.
Then all was well for the rest of the game. Sure, maybe SF should have taken the 3 points at the end there, but I'm pretty sure they were like "hey, it's the Rams, whatever". Vance McDonald: I know you're annoyed that Vernon was an idiot and cost you a TD, but maybe you should, you know, FIGHT FOR THE GODDAMN BALL a little more when you're hit at the point of a catch. He should have caught that. Between that and the fumble, I'm fired up at McDonald after that game. Gross performance.
Seattle loses at home, the 49ers continue their pretty impressive night game play under Jim Harbaugh, and Kaepernick wins me the week in fantasy football. It went well this weekend!
That TD to Boldin is why I should shut the hell up any time I want to bash Kap. That play, man. Quick: how many other QBs in the league could make that play? Oh, ZERO! That throw was UNBELIEVABLE and he made it with like 5 guys in his face throwing off-balance. Dayumm.
Just Some Shit I Saw
I checked in with the Cowboys at Seahawks game somewhere in the second quarter, and saw the Cowboys defensive line hanging back and forcing The Nicest-Most Skilled-Kindest-Earnestest-No Headphones-No Tattoos quarterback to throw from a pocket:
14/28 126 0 1
At home.
Anyway, occasionally I scan SBN sites when I'm feeling self-abusive. This morning I was scrolling through the PM game thread at Niners Nation and found the following exchange:
 |
| Brutal Reading Comprehension |
That is some dense shit right there. That is a good gag, too, and Trick 49er is right on, because here's the first thing I saw at Field Gulls:
 |
| 12's? |
I wasn't aware they called each other 12s. I didn't think there could be anything worse than the certificate for being loud.
I dunno. Everyone knows sports discussion is a completely futile enterprise. I suppose this is just more proof.
"12's".
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Amazing
Amazing.
A. Maze. Zing.
There's a lot of things to like about that game: the team actually making halftime adjustments and playing better than their opponent in the 2nd half. The offense looked pretty OK against an OK team. The defense played well when they had to. Yadda yadda yadda, plenty to like, plenty to not like.
The story of this game: Andy Reid. hahahahahah Andy Reid. He will never let you down. Caught with his pants down on the fake punt, 12 players on the field on the most critical play of the game- it was vintage Andy. I was surprised they handled their timeouts as well as they did, but a lot of that was the 49ers being too stupid to know that they should STAY IN BOUNDS IN THE 4TH QUARTER, MORONS.
But Andy Reid, man. That was so hilarious.
Also, I like Alex Smith. I've always been his biggest defender, at times to the point of complete unreasonableness. Today, he made plays I never saw him make in SF, but he also made the exact plays I expected him to make: the critical 3rd down wide open screen pass that got knocked down, and the CRUCIAL overthrow of the wide open receiver for an INT at the end of the game. That Saints game was a MIRACLE. This outcome is always so much more likely from Alex Smith.
For just a few moments I had the feeling that Alex Smith was going to return to SF and lead a come-from-behind touchdown drive at the last minute and ruin everything. Then I remembered that he's Alex Smith: Tragedy Figure. This was how it had to end. I almost feel bad for him, but the 49ers really needed a win, so whatever.
Alex Smith and Andy Reid: kind of perfect for each other. Thanks guys!
A. Maze. Zing.
There's a lot of things to like about that game: the team actually making halftime adjustments and playing better than their opponent in the 2nd half. The offense looked pretty OK against an OK team. The defense played well when they had to. Yadda yadda yadda, plenty to like, plenty to not like.
The story of this game: Andy Reid. hahahahahah Andy Reid. He will never let you down. Caught with his pants down on the fake punt, 12 players on the field on the most critical play of the game- it was vintage Andy. I was surprised they handled their timeouts as well as they did, but a lot of that was the 49ers being too stupid to know that they should STAY IN BOUNDS IN THE 4TH QUARTER, MORONS.
But Andy Reid, man. That was so hilarious.
Also, I like Alex Smith. I've always been his biggest defender, at times to the point of complete unreasonableness. Today, he made plays I never saw him make in SF, but he also made the exact plays I expected him to make: the critical 3rd down wide open screen pass that got knocked down, and the CRUCIAL overthrow of the wide open receiver for an INT at the end of the game. That Saints game was a MIRACLE. This outcome is always so much more likely from Alex Smith.
For just a few moments I had the feeling that Alex Smith was going to return to SF and lead a come-from-behind touchdown drive at the last minute and ruin everything. Then I remembered that he's Alex Smith: Tragedy Figure. This was how it had to end. I almost feel bad for him, but the 49ers really needed a win, so whatever.
Alex Smith and Andy Reid: kind of perfect for each other. Thanks guys!
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Gross
The narrative will be "49ers defense is stout in dominant win over Eagles, gets season back on track". That narrative will be written by people who didn't watch the game.
Pro tip: when you give up 3 defensive and special teams scores, you're going to "dominate" time of possession. That's not a good thing, idiots. Absolutely atrocious special teams play continues to destroy this team. Adding that with the penalties, they are making every game an unwinnable battle against both themselves and whoever they are playing. It's very frustrating to watch a team this talented (even with their injuries, they still have top 10 talent) continue to blow chances to win games.
The defense played pretty well, until they actually needed to play well, then they folded like a card table. That's a theme for this team in 2014- crap the bed when you actually need to play well. They looked vintage 2006 on that last Eagles drive, somehow getting bailed out at the end when Nick Foles decided to miss a wide open target on 3rd down for the game winner. That was not a defensive stand, that was the offense making mistakes. This team needs Aldon Smith back more than it has ever needed anyone. Also: any commentator who tells you Aldon Smith is only good because of Justin Smith is a moron, and the last 4 games are all the proof you need. No pressure from anyone.
This team's identity is run the ball and play defense. If you take away the defense, then try to compensate by throwing the ball, it's not going to work. I'm not sure if Greg Roman is simply incapable of that kind of game plan, if Kaepernick cannot execute that type of offense, or if without Davis they don't have the necessary personnel to pull it off, but whatever it is, it ain't working. They cannot be a pass-first team, which is an issue when your defense and special teams suck so much ass. When they got back to running in the 2nd half, the offense looked much more comfortable and in-rhythm. That's what they need to do if they want to have any chance to win games until the defense gets better.
I'm glad they won this game, but nothing is fixed. They are still fundamentally broken on defense and dysfunctional on offense. I mean they are STILL burning at least 2 timeouts PER HALF because Kaepernick STILL isn't aware that there's a thing called a play clock and you need to HURRY THE FUCK UP AT THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE. How is that still a thing?! That alone proves to me that this team is in serious trouble and has no chance of winning when it matters.
There was one good thing, though: that Stevie Johnson catch was one of those leap out of the chair screaming and jumping around moments. What an amazing play on both sides. And the Gore play was Kaepernick doing what few others can do- I just wish he could distill that out of all the stupidity that comes with his play.
Pro tip: when you give up 3 defensive and special teams scores, you're going to "dominate" time of possession. That's not a good thing, idiots. Absolutely atrocious special teams play continues to destroy this team. Adding that with the penalties, they are making every game an unwinnable battle against both themselves and whoever they are playing. It's very frustrating to watch a team this talented (even with their injuries, they still have top 10 talent) continue to blow chances to win games.
The defense played pretty well, until they actually needed to play well, then they folded like a card table. That's a theme for this team in 2014- crap the bed when you actually need to play well. They looked vintage 2006 on that last Eagles drive, somehow getting bailed out at the end when Nick Foles decided to miss a wide open target on 3rd down for the game winner. That was not a defensive stand, that was the offense making mistakes. This team needs Aldon Smith back more than it has ever needed anyone. Also: any commentator who tells you Aldon Smith is only good because of Justin Smith is a moron, and the last 4 games are all the proof you need. No pressure from anyone.
This team's identity is run the ball and play defense. If you take away the defense, then try to compensate by throwing the ball, it's not going to work. I'm not sure if Greg Roman is simply incapable of that kind of game plan, if Kaepernick cannot execute that type of offense, or if without Davis they don't have the necessary personnel to pull it off, but whatever it is, it ain't working. They cannot be a pass-first team, which is an issue when your defense and special teams suck so much ass. When they got back to running in the 2nd half, the offense looked much more comfortable and in-rhythm. That's what they need to do if they want to have any chance to win games until the defense gets better.
I'm glad they won this game, but nothing is fixed. They are still fundamentally broken on defense and dysfunctional on offense. I mean they are STILL burning at least 2 timeouts PER HALF because Kaepernick STILL isn't aware that there's a thing called a play clock and you need to HURRY THE FUCK UP AT THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE. How is that still a thing?! That alone proves to me that this team is in serious trouble and has no chance of winning when it matters.
There was one good thing, though: that Stevie Johnson catch was one of those leap out of the chair screaming and jumping around moments. What an amazing play on both sides. And the Gore play was Kaepernick doing what few others can do- I just wish he could distill that out of all the stupidity that comes with his play.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Heh
Lemme start off by acknowledging something: I am pathetic. I fully accept that. I'm one of those sports nerds who remembers the kind of information that is ONLY useful if I'm on your team and you land on the green (or orange!) space in trivial pursuit. I can tell you exactly how many yards per carry Frank Gore averaged in his breakout 2006 season, for example. Need to fix your car? Well, good luck with that, but I would love to give you a dissertation on why the 1984 49ers were the greatest football team ever assembled, and why the 2004 49ers were the worst.
All of this to say: when I watch a game like today's, it's through the lens of a fan who remembers games like this one, when thousands upon thousands of mouth-breathing Cowboys fans filled the stick (making it sound like a Cowboys' home game), and I had to watch Drew Bledsoe throw a game-winning TD to KESHAWN JOHNSON. Yes, that actually happened. I'd like to go back in time and shove this game down my 16 year-old self's throat over and over again until he realized that Mike Nolan was maybe not going to be a very good coach.
I also remember games like this, when a former 49er and guy partly responsible for sending them spiraling downwards into a decade of horrenditude spent the afternoon destroying our joke of a secondary and being a dick in general, something he was very familiar with and good at. In retrospect, maybe that Singletary guy wasn't going to turn out so well either.
And I really remember this one. This was a new era. Jim Harbaugh was our savior. Just one week prior, he'd bested the most annoying used car salesman in the league in excruciating and incredible fashion, and things were going to be DIFFERENT THIS TIME GOD DAMMIT. Oh wait, there's a guy with a DEFLATED LUNG throwing a 70 yard pass in overtime to, and there's no way I could make this up, a security guard who won a fucking reality TV show to get his NFL shot.
I remembered all of these things. I only needed to look up the exact details, I remembered the years and the exact games and the losses and the feelings that came with each of those losses. This was the first time the 49ers have beaten the Cowboys in 12 years, the last being the infamous "star game" where TO was a huge dick and many members of Dallas were also huge dicks. That's how long it's been. The Cowboys haven't even been GOOD in all that time! That's an underrated string of really horrible losses.
So when I see a game like today's, played in a shiny new Dallas stadium that was taken over by fans in red jerseys who made it sound like a 49ers' home game (50/50 split!), who cheered lustily at every Tony Romo interception, every Anquan Boldin 3rd down conversion, and every Vernon Davis touchdown catch- THAT is what makes me still really really enjoy watching football. When all of that pent-up anger and frustration over terrible performances against this fucking pathetic husk of a football team finally gets let out in the most perfect amalgamation of events possible, it makes me almost kind of start to forget how terrible the end of last season was, and how thoroughly the Seahawks have ruined football.
There's still good left, and it comes in the form of Jerry Jones sadly applauding his team scoring in garbage time, Troy Aikman weakly and sheepishly defending his boys as they are being curb-stomped in front of his very eyes, and Jimmy Johnson forlornly yearning for days gone by after being forced to watch his beloved team violated at home in every possible way. There is good in the world, and it comes from Cowboys' tears:
Fuck you, Dallas. You deserved this one.
All of this to say: when I watch a game like today's, it's through the lens of a fan who remembers games like this one, when thousands upon thousands of mouth-breathing Cowboys fans filled the stick (making it sound like a Cowboys' home game), and I had to watch Drew Bledsoe throw a game-winning TD to KESHAWN JOHNSON. Yes, that actually happened. I'd like to go back in time and shove this game down my 16 year-old self's throat over and over again until he realized that Mike Nolan was maybe not going to be a very good coach.
I also remember games like this, when a former 49er and guy partly responsible for sending them spiraling downwards into a decade of horrenditude spent the afternoon destroying our joke of a secondary and being a dick in general, something he was very familiar with and good at. In retrospect, maybe that Singletary guy wasn't going to turn out so well either.
And I really remember this one. This was a new era. Jim Harbaugh was our savior. Just one week prior, he'd bested the most annoying used car salesman in the league in excruciating and incredible fashion, and things were going to be DIFFERENT THIS TIME GOD DAMMIT. Oh wait, there's a guy with a DEFLATED LUNG throwing a 70 yard pass in overtime to, and there's no way I could make this up, a security guard who won a fucking reality TV show to get his NFL shot.
I remembered all of these things. I only needed to look up the exact details, I remembered the years and the exact games and the losses and the feelings that came with each of those losses. This was the first time the 49ers have beaten the Cowboys in 12 years, the last being the infamous "star game" where TO was a huge dick and many members of Dallas were also huge dicks. That's how long it's been. The Cowboys haven't even been GOOD in all that time! That's an underrated string of really horrible losses.
So when I see a game like today's, played in a shiny new Dallas stadium that was taken over by fans in red jerseys who made it sound like a 49ers' home game (50/50 split!), who cheered lustily at every Tony Romo interception, every Anquan Boldin 3rd down conversion, and every Vernon Davis touchdown catch- THAT is what makes me still really really enjoy watching football. When all of that pent-up anger and frustration over terrible performances against this fucking pathetic husk of a football team finally gets let out in the most perfect amalgamation of events possible, it makes me almost kind of start to forget how terrible the end of last season was, and how thoroughly the Seahawks have ruined football.
There's still good left, and it comes in the form of Jerry Jones sadly applauding his team scoring in garbage time, Troy Aikman weakly and sheepishly defending his boys as they are being curb-stomped in front of his very eyes, and Jimmy Johnson forlornly yearning for days gone by after being forced to watch his beloved team violated at home in every possible way. There is good in the world, and it comes from Cowboys' tears:
Fuck you, Dallas. You deserved this one.
Body Blows etc.
I don't think much changes this season. For all the shit about "opening up" the offense (whatever that means), I don't see Harbaugh straying too far from his guiding principal: beat up and intimidate the other team with power running and better than league average defense.
Defensively, I'm hoping to see the maligned new-look secondary play better than expected. I'll try and keep the faith after Dez Bryant goes deep several times on Culliver today (that sounds nasty), because Dez Bryant is a superfreak athlete and he can do that to anyone.
I'm still hurting after the championship game, and I'm not sure I can ever forgive that fucking fade to Crabtree (again!), but hopefully Colin K ignores all the shit and keeps playing like he does, because he's really good.
Okay, I'm prepared to watch Frank Gore* slam into the line several times for no gain, with the Niners looking awful until two minutes before the half. How about you?
*And possibly the new guy
FRW
Defensively, I'm hoping to see the maligned new-look secondary play better than expected. I'll try and keep the faith after Dez Bryant goes deep several times on Culliver today (that sounds nasty), because Dez Bryant is a superfreak athlete and he can do that to anyone.
I'm still hurting after the championship game, and I'm not sure I can ever forgive that fucking fade to Crabtree (again!), but hopefully Colin K ignores all the shit and keeps playing like he does, because he's really good.
Okay, I'm prepared to watch Frank Gore* slam into the line several times for no gain, with the Niners looking awful until two minutes before the half. How about you?
*And possibly the new guy
FRW
Friday, August 22, 2014
Quick, anyone
remind me what happened last preseason. Who looked good? Who sucked? Which teams went 0-4 or 4-0? And, more importantly, how did that affect their team's regular season performance?
Oh, that's right. It had no effect. Because the preseason does. not. matter. At all. How you play against guys who will be bussing your table at TGI Fridays in 3 weeks in a game where you have not game planned has ZERO predictive value. I understand the media needs things to talk about or else it will all collapse in on itself and leave a black hole that will suck the universe and all you know and love and care about inside, leaving only a vast expanse of nothingness and emptiness and Larry King.
However, jesus christ people. Will you ever learn your lesson? How little accountability does the media have that its allowed to get away with this nonsense every year? Who ever calls them out? How stupid are people who still waste their time with this shit? I pick it up accidentally, casually scanning the NFL's web page for news or highlights of the team, and being bombarded with "OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE 49ERS WHY CAN'T THEIR 3RD TEAM BEAT THESE FUTURE USED CAR SALESMEN DEAR LORD ALL IS LOST ALL IS LOST".
Guess who led the NFL in passing yards last preseason! No really- guess! It's hilarious. Nope, you're wrong guess again. Nope. Not even close. It's PAT FUCKING DEVLIN. Year before that? Kirk Cousins. Clearly the 49ers aren't going anywhere with this fucking loser that they have. He's got, what, 100 yards total so far? Go get that Devlin guy. He saved Miami's season last year, right?
In 2 weeks nobody will remember what happened during this preseason, just like every other NFL preseason. Yet we still have to wade through a shit stream of blowhards pretending that the performances of guys like Kaepernick (who has played FOUR GODDAMN DRIVES in 2 games) somehow portend doom for when the games start counting and the good teams start trying. It's getting harder and harder to remember why I enjoy football. I'm becoming the old and jaded fan, and I kind of like it.
Oh, that's right. It had no effect. Because the preseason does. not. matter. At all. How you play against guys who will be bussing your table at TGI Fridays in 3 weeks in a game where you have not game planned has ZERO predictive value. I understand the media needs things to talk about or else it will all collapse in on itself and leave a black hole that will suck the universe and all you know and love and care about inside, leaving only a vast expanse of nothingness and emptiness and Larry King.
However, jesus christ people. Will you ever learn your lesson? How little accountability does the media have that its allowed to get away with this nonsense every year? Who ever calls them out? How stupid are people who still waste their time with this shit? I pick it up accidentally, casually scanning the NFL's web page for news or highlights of the team, and being bombarded with "OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE 49ERS WHY CAN'T THEIR 3RD TEAM BEAT THESE FUTURE USED CAR SALESMEN DEAR LORD ALL IS LOST ALL IS LOST".
Guess who led the NFL in passing yards last preseason! No really- guess! It's hilarious. Nope, you're wrong guess again. Nope. Not even close. It's PAT FUCKING DEVLIN. Year before that? Kirk Cousins. Clearly the 49ers aren't going anywhere with this fucking loser that they have. He's got, what, 100 yards total so far? Go get that Devlin guy. He saved Miami's season last year, right?
In 2 weeks nobody will remember what happened during this preseason, just like every other NFL preseason. Yet we still have to wade through a shit stream of blowhards pretending that the performances of guys like Kaepernick (who has played FOUR GODDAMN DRIVES in 2 games) somehow portend doom for when the games start counting and the good teams start trying. It's getting harder and harder to remember why I enjoy football. I'm becoming the old and jaded fan, and I kind of like it.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
The Center Cannot Hold
Look, I moved on from football team discussion board/comment section shitshows a long time ago. I'm not proud of the surely-ignorant text I'd shoot across the internets, but it could be fun at times, and even satisfying.
In my time, it was Packers, Rams, and maybe Dallas fans. Mixed in with the two or three truly psychotic trolls, you could catch a glimpse that most of those people were just like you: bored at work, in the mood for a little passive/aggressive (or just straight aggressive) behavior to blow off some steam, and willing to let it go at the appropriate time.
And this is in addition to the usual inside banter. You know, the dissection of your team, your player, or your (god forbid) mock draft with other like-minded folks. It could get a little heated, because it seems like everyone online is on edge all the time (that's a discussion for another time), and there could be some pretension, with IT guys talking blocking angles and contain (not that there's anything wrong with that).
But have you seen these fucking Seahawk fans? It's one thing to be confident in your team, and wholly another to have no sense of shame, no fear that your team might screw up (this is the truly insane aspect), and no empathy (sociopathy at its finest!).
I've seen no meaner, conscience-less, full-asshole humans than these Seattle fans commenting on your usual championship-week articles.
Yes, I still read the comments.
Have you seen the Russell Wilson thing?
In my time, it was Packers, Rams, and maybe Dallas fans. Mixed in with the two or three truly psychotic trolls, you could catch a glimpse that most of those people were just like you: bored at work, in the mood for a little passive/aggressive (or just straight aggressive) behavior to blow off some steam, and willing to let it go at the appropriate time.
And this is in addition to the usual inside banter. You know, the dissection of your team, your player, or your (god forbid) mock draft with other like-minded folks. It could get a little heated, because it seems like everyone online is on edge all the time (that's a discussion for another time), and there could be some pretension, with IT guys talking blocking angles and contain (not that there's anything wrong with that).
But have you seen these fucking Seahawk fans? It's one thing to be confident in your team, and wholly another to have no sense of shame, no fear that your team might screw up (this is the truly insane aspect), and no empathy (sociopathy at its finest!).
I've seen no meaner, conscience-less, full-asshole humans than these Seattle fans commenting on your usual championship-week articles.
Yes, I still read the comments.
Have you seen the Russell Wilson thing?
This is truly the work of an asshole. Aside from the strong scent of a gay-porn cover in that first Wilson picture, isn't it unconscionable to demonize what appears to be a good kid from a non-traditional family background? To simply ignore his good works in the name of (not even good) Seahawk propaganda?
And you add these coded pictures (look, Kaepernick is urban) to the utter bullshit about tattoos and backwards hats, well, fuck whoever made this, you're an awful human. And really, that's my point. In 2014, Seattle Seahawks fans, for the most part, are awful humans. Their lack of humanity defines them the same way purpose-built architecture defines their 12th man. Or something.
Go Niners. Defeat these fluorescent enemies in the name goodness, kindness, and humility.
----
And seriously, how can you not just hate the Wilson portrayed as a fucking veritable Dudley Do-Right. Who could root for THAT guy? It's worse than Kurt Warner and his bible verses, or Bret Favre and his folksy dick pix.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa
I had no particular animus towards the Panthers coming into this game. They were (I thought) very similar to SF: a tough team who relies on their defense to make big plays and their offense to not screw it all up. They also have a QB who can make your defense shake their head trying to figure out what exactly happened on that last play.
Imagine my surprise when they morphed into a Jeff Fisher coached team, then. Tough talk, chippy penalties, late hits, showboating- they had the works. Acting like a perennial contender rather than a pathetic franchise who was making their first playoff appearance in half a decade. Well, I hope they're going home humbled. They got a bit of a glimpse of how an ACTUAL superbowl contender does business, and that was extremely satisfying.
That first half was nerve-racking, their offense was moving the ball at will and Kaepernick was throwing off his back foot in between 2 closing LBs trying to thread the ball right in front of DBs, a trait I hope he dispenses with, like, yesterday.
But gawd damn, our team has some good coaches. What a GREAT drive at the end of the half. That was one of the best drives of the year, capped off by Vernon Davis making the kind of play that I didn't know he had in him. Getting free of their supposed Patrick Willis clone, opening himself up, and dragging his foot perfectly for the TD. Just awesome.
Then those coaches remembered that Frank Gore plays for them, and in the 2nd half they chose to give him the ball. Hunter was great, too. The running game, as it should, sealed a great win for the 49ers, and Kaepernick flashed his incredible ability one more time to add a nice cherry on top. Mocking Cam's celebration was, given the way the Panthers had been representing themselves, entirely justified and I stood and applauded. Just so awesome.
For whatever reason, I had a terrible feeling before watching that the 49ers were not going to win. They showed up big time. Now we get a week of the media's collective genitals exploding prior to The Rematch to End All Rematches next week. I like SF's chances. Seattle's offense sucks. LET'S DO THIS.
Oh, and given that ABSOLUTE HORSE SHIT roughing the passer call, which single-handedly kept Carolina in the game, I like how one of the narratives from this game is the Panthers were plagued by "questionable calls". Bull shit, New York media. Get a grip.
Imagine my surprise when they morphed into a Jeff Fisher coached team, then. Tough talk, chippy penalties, late hits, showboating- they had the works. Acting like a perennial contender rather than a pathetic franchise who was making their first playoff appearance in half a decade. Well, I hope they're going home humbled. They got a bit of a glimpse of how an ACTUAL superbowl contender does business, and that was extremely satisfying.
That first half was nerve-racking, their offense was moving the ball at will and Kaepernick was throwing off his back foot in between 2 closing LBs trying to thread the ball right in front of DBs, a trait I hope he dispenses with, like, yesterday.
But gawd damn, our team has some good coaches. What a GREAT drive at the end of the half. That was one of the best drives of the year, capped off by Vernon Davis making the kind of play that I didn't know he had in him. Getting free of their supposed Patrick Willis clone, opening himself up, and dragging his foot perfectly for the TD. Just awesome.
Then those coaches remembered that Frank Gore plays for them, and in the 2nd half they chose to give him the ball. Hunter was great, too. The running game, as it should, sealed a great win for the 49ers, and Kaepernick flashed his incredible ability one more time to add a nice cherry on top. Mocking Cam's celebration was, given the way the Panthers had been representing themselves, entirely justified and I stood and applauded. Just so awesome.
For whatever reason, I had a terrible feeling before watching that the 49ers were not going to win. They showed up big time. Now we get a week of the media's collective genitals exploding prior to The Rematch to End All Rematches next week. I like SF's chances. Seattle's offense sucks. LET'S DO THIS.
Oh, and given that ABSOLUTE HORSE SHIT roughing the passer call, which single-handedly kept Carolina in the game, I like how one of the narratives from this game is the Panthers were plagued by "questionable calls". Bull shit, New York media. Get a grip.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
I enjoy symmetry
The 1988 49ers were a bit of a rudderless mess sitting at 6-5 and coming off 2 straight terrible losses in games they should have won. They turned their season around with a big primetime win against the Washington Redskins.
The 2013 49ers were a bit of a rudderless mess sitting at 6-4 and coming off 2 straight terrible losses in games they should have won. They turned their season around with a big primetime win against the Washington Redskins!
We can only hope the seasons have a similar ending as well.
The 2013 49ers were a bit of a rudderless mess sitting at 6-4 and coming off 2 straight terrible losses in games they should have won. They turned their season around with a big primetime win against the Washington Redskins!
We can only hope the seasons have a similar ending as well.
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