Dealing with the Devil's Tortured Analogies

You know those old b.s. stories about Led Zeppelin, where Jimmy Page supposedly used his occult magick to help record sales and all that shit. How the band's spiritual payment came due, and Robert Plant got in a bad car accident, and his wife almost died, and his son did eventually die? And they recorded Presence and In Through the Out Door? And of course, it eventually led (no pun) to even worse fates, and Zeppelin disbanded? 

That reminds me of the 49ers right now. Still paying the piper for 1981 - 1998. 

It's just going to get worse. When has a rumor not culminated in reality for this group? Remember scoffing at the Harbaugh to Cleveland trade rumors. 

Remember, rich kid got his rich guy stadium. 

Me the rest of this offseason. 

49ers: Sign Andre Johnson

Sign Andre Johnson. That is all. Sign Andre Johnson.

Adding This to the Pile

Oh hey, there's more proof that the guys in charge have no idea what they are doing. This is getting comical, I'm really not a betting type but I'm strongly considering laying down whatever I have on the "under" for 49ers wins next season.

I mean, you were going to force this guy to hire your DC? Then you tried to bring him back after you denied him the head coaching position?! What the hell is wrong with these people?

This Team is a Joke, and This Season Will be a Disaster.

Now that we're nearly out of the glow of watching Pete Carroll and Russell Wilson fail in the most spectacular and high profile way imaginable (I will never, ever, EVER get tired of watching that play. Russell Wilson just failed on the most high profile stage in his entire career, and he reacts as if he's playing a preseason game. I'm convinced he is secretly a sociopathic serial killer who has no emotions), it's time to get back to business: compiling reasons to believe this team is going to be a complete dumpster fire.

First, the weak stuff: the 49ers have the "third hardest schedule" in the league next year. This is utter bullshit, because we all know the teams they're playing will be significantly improved/worse/otherwise drastically different than they were last year. I'm not sure why articles like this get written, other than to serve as sweet sweet link bait for blogs and to give ESPN something to fill airtime with. But: they will at the very least be playing teams who were good a season ago.

Second, their coaching staff is LOL. Their offensive coordinator was their 3rd? 4th? 35th? choice, is in his mid 50s, and has only been a coordinator once before, for the Chargers. When they had Ryan Leaf. Cool!

Their tight ends coach is a failed former head coach. Their defensive coordinator is a (multiple time!) failed former head coach who presided over one of the worst defenses in NFL history in his only previous stint as a coordinator.

Their quarterbacks coach- a guy, I might add, who will be VERY VERY important to this team's offense getting better next season- was out of football coaching completely for the last THREE YEARS. He's literally been a sports talk radio host. He also looks a hell of a lot like Super Dave Osborn:

At least the team are embracing their punchline status and just straight-up hiring dudes who look like comedians. His claim to fame is coaching Matt Ryan in college, a guy who may be one of the most overrated NFL quarterbacks in recent history. This is the guy we are counting on to turn Colin Kaepernick into an NFL player. Right. 

I wasn't that great at math in school, but even I can see that these parts do not add up to an NFL-caliber staff that can take a team deep into the playoffs. 

When this team hired Jim Harbaugh, I knew immediately that they had changed forever, for the better. I knew the days of losing and being a pathetic laughing stock were behind us. I knew this because Jim Harbaugh had a track record not only of winning wherever he went, but of taking over teams that were absolute TRAIN WRECKS and transforming them into powerhouse institutions. Michigan will be challenging for national titles within 2 years. You cannot let a guy like that walk away. 

And thus brings me to the final reason why the people running this team are complete and utter morons, people who should not be trusted with a fucking HAMSTER, let alone a football team: not only did they not let him walk, they actively pushed him out the door when he wanted to stay. Maybe it's in his best interests to say that, sure. Maybe. I'm not sure why he would want to take a step back in level of competition, though. He's already proven by his actions that winning a super bowl is his biggest motivation. He wasn't going to go to any of the crappy NFL teams that wanted him, because their talent levels were years away from being super bowl ready. An NFL team with super bowl talent pushed a super bowl level head coach out the door because...why? Because they can't get along? Because he's hard to work for? Because he's too expensive? Any and all of those excuses are unacceptable. We're going to watch a super bowl team go 6-10 or 7-9 next season because the guys running the team are more worried about being in charge than they are about WINNING THE GAME, which is, after all, why we play. 

This team is a joke, the people in charge are morons, and next season is going to be a disaster. Congratulations on your 2015 division championship, Arizona! God, the season when Seattle is going to absolutely self-destruct, and we have to watch our team be even worse. This is horse feces. 

That.....was beautiful.

So wonderful. I can't belive it. I think that might be the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. How marvelous. There is no better way that could have ended. You know every single seahawks fan was completey INSUFFERABLE after that ridiculous catch. They were so sure they were going to win. It was guaranteed. They were strutting around because they have #beastmode and #skittles and Russel Wilson has #god on his side. But then their precious family man robot THREW AN INTERCEPTION ON THE GOAL LINE AND THEY LOST THE SUPERBOWL. How awesome is that??

That's worse than the way SF lost. 10 point lead with the worlds most incredible defense, you have a chance to walk in from inside the 5 and you TURN IT OVER!!! AHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I don't care how pathetic I sound, I loved that. I was watching with a friend who's a Patriots fan, we left our super bowl party early because neither of us could stand to see seattle win. I kept an eye on the game and we turned it on right at the end. Absolutely fabulous. It couldn't have happened to a worse fanbase, coach, or franchise. That was fabulous.

This is going to be a disaster

http://www.csnbayarea.com/49ers/49ers-tomsula-can-lean-staff-members-experience

Look at the records of the guys they're hiring. Oh, and realize that this is an article about how THE HEAD COACH WILL NEED ASSISTANCE TO BE A HEAD COACH. This is something you do in friggen HIGH SCHOOL! An NFL head coach will need advice from other failed NFL head coaches about how to actually, you know, coach.

But I'm sure this is going to go super well, you guys.

I Wish Tomsula the Best

I'm wondering what exactly the motivation behind this coaching search was- getting the best guy? Or getting the cheap guy who will enable the GM to flex his muscles? Is Jim Tomsula *really* the best option, when you had a guy in Fangio sitting right there who is currently being pursued by every team that has an opening? Here's a pro tip: when you release a coach or a player and every single other team wants to go after that guy, you made a mistake.

Tomsula sure seems like a cool dude who the players love. Cool! I'm sure a lot of guys loved Singletary, too. You know what a coach needs, though? The ability to, ya know, coach. Tomsula worked wonders with the defensive line, and maybe the defense will still be great! Except the offense has been the issue for the last, oh, 12 years or so, and I have a feeling Tomsula will not be heavily involved in that process. Maybe (unlike Singletary) he's smart enough to stay out of the way and let the pros handle it.

Of course, that's assuming the front office hires the right guy to run that offense. Not sure that's a likely outcome! Apparently Rob Chudzinski is a strong possibility, and that might actually work. Excuse me for not being optimistic, though. Tomsula has way too much of a Singletary whiff- a guy who's probably awesome when coaching a small group of guys, and who most players like, but who isn't exactly a tactical genius. I have a feeling we are going to go back to seeing a lot of the 49ers getting outclassed and out coached, unable to make adjustments because the guy in charge doesn't know what needs to be fixed or how to fix it.

Seems like a nice guy, though! That seems to be more important than actually winning games.

Comic Farce

This team is in full-on 2005 mode. A bomb touchdown called back by 2 offensive penalties, and the next play is a strip sack TD for the defense. LOL. Burn it to the ground. What a joke.

THIS. OFFENSE. SUCKS.

Anyone believe me now? When your owner feels the (stupid and misguided) need to publicly apologize after a humiliating loss, I think it's probably time to admit you have a problem. Either Colin Kaepernick is not a professional quarterback or Greg Roman doesn't know how to use him. There are no excuses left for this offense- the O line is good enough and the skill positions are stacked with talent. It's the QB or it's the coaching, there's nothing else left. That was a pathetic, unprofessional showing. Can't use the excuse of a short week- you were at home 2 weeks in a row. If there's any way to be ready for a short week, the 49ers had it. That was nonsense.

I stopped watching after 1 quarter because I knew exactly how this game was going to go. Kaepernick is either really injured in a way that we haven't heard about, or the league has adjusted to his one move and he can't get past it. The offense is broken in a way that obviously is not fixable, because it's been a good 3 or 4 straight weeks of this. I almost hope they don't make the playoffs so at least the dull ache won't turn into crushing disappointment. Screw this team.

This Offense Sucks

      Kaepernick is not getting better. He's the same disjointed, uncomfortable0looking athlete posing as a QB that he's always bee...oh wait sorry that's exactly what I wrote last week. And lookie there! It's still true! 

What I liked about this game: 

• The defense (again)
• Carlos Hyde (probably time to Kevin Barlow the bull Gore, as much as I love him)
• Anquan Boldin, because how on earth is he still walking after that hit

What I hated about this game:

• Literally everything else about the offense

     I didn't watch all or even most of this game, because, really, why? This team is horrible to watch this season. Here's what I know, though: the. Redskins. suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. They are like the mid 2000s 49ers but without the solid QB play (har har). No self-respecting playoff team should need a late 4th quarter touchdown drive to beat this team!!!!!!!!!!!!! (MORE EXCLAMATIONS!!!!!!!!). I'm happy they at least were able to do it, though. That broke the streak of keeping the crappy team in the game, losing the lead, and then collapsing on offense. The suck was too strong with the Redskins, but it won't be with literally any other team that's not from Jacksonville. 

     7-4 is all that really matters (and now only 2 games behind the soon to be 9-7 Cardinals), but good god. I think I get to complain a little about losing to a complete disaster of a team who was playing on the road and whose QB is Peyton Manning but without the smarts, accuracy, or mobility. 

     The only comfort comes from knowing Seattle is not much better, and at least the short week game is at home and coming after a home game. They're going to lose it, though. God what a pathetic performance that was.