Quick, anyone

remind me what happened last preseason. Who looked good? Who sucked? Which teams went 0-4 or 4-0? And, more importantly, how did that affect their team's regular season performance?


Oh, that's right. It had no effect. Because the preseason does. not. matter. At all. How you play against guys who will be bussing your table at TGI Fridays in 3 weeks in a game where you have not game planned has ZERO predictive value. I understand the media needs things to talk about or else it will all collapse in on itself and leave a black hole that will suck the universe and all you know and love and care about inside, leaving only a vast expanse of nothingness and emptiness and Larry King.


However, jesus christ people. Will you ever learn your lesson? How little accountability does the media have that its allowed to get away with this nonsense every year? Who ever calls them out? How stupid are people who still waste their time with this shit? I pick it up accidentally, casually scanning the NFL's web page for news or highlights of the team, and being bombarded with "OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE 49ERS WHY CAN'T THEIR 3RD TEAM BEAT THESE FUTURE USED CAR SALESMEN DEAR LORD ALL IS LOST ALL IS LOST".

Guess who led the NFL in passing yards last preseason! No really- guess! It's hilarious. Nope, you're wrong guess again. Nope. Not even close. It's PAT FUCKING DEVLIN. Year before that? Kirk Cousins. Clearly the 49ers aren't going anywhere with this fucking loser that they have. He's got, what, 100 yards total so far? Go get that Devlin guy. He saved Miami's season last year, right?


In 2 weeks nobody will remember what happened during this preseason, just like every other NFL preseason. Yet we still have to wade through a shit stream of blowhards pretending that the performances of guys like Kaepernick (who has played FOUR GODDAMN DRIVES in 2 games) somehow portend doom for when the games start counting and the good teams start trying. It's getting harder and harder to remember why I enjoy football. I'm becoming the old and jaded fan, and I kind of like it.

The Center Cannot Hold

Look, I moved on from football team discussion board/comment section shitshows a long time ago. I'm not proud of the surely-ignorant text I'd shoot across the internets, but it could be fun at times, and even satisfying.

In my time, it was Packers, Rams, and maybe Dallas fans. Mixed in with the two or three truly psychotic trolls, you could catch a glimpse that most of those people were just like you: bored at work, in the mood for a little passive/aggressive (or just straight aggressive) behavior to blow off some steam, and willing to let it go at the appropriate time.

And this is in addition to the usual inside banter. You know, the dissection of your team, your player, or your (god forbid) mock draft with other like-minded folks. It could get a little heated, because it seems like everyone online is on edge all the time (that's a discussion for another time), and there could be some pretension, with IT guys talking blocking angles and contain (not that there's anything wrong with that).

But have you seen these fucking Seahawk fans? It's one thing to be confident in your team, and wholly another to have no sense of shame, no fear that your team might screw up (this is the truly insane aspect), and no empathy (sociopathy at its finest!).

I've seen no meaner, conscience-less, full-asshole humans than these Seattle fans commenting on your usual championship-week articles.

Yes, I still read the comments.

Have you seen the Russell Wilson thing?

This is truly the work of an asshole. Aside from the strong scent of a gay-porn cover in that first Wilson picture, isn't it unconscionable to demonize what appears to be a good kid from a non-traditional family background? To simply ignore his good works in the name of (not even good) Seahawk propaganda? 

And you add these coded pictures (look, Kaepernick is urban) to the utter bullshit about tattoos and backwards hats, well, fuck whoever made this, you're an awful human. And really, that's my point. In 2014, Seattle Seahawks fans, for the most part, are awful humans. Their lack of humanity defines them the same way purpose-built architecture defines their 12th man. Or something.

Go Niners. Defeat these fluorescent enemies in the name goodness, kindness, and humility. 

----

And seriously, how can you not just hate the Wilson portrayed as a fucking veritable Dudley Do-Right. Who could root for THAT guy? It's worse than Kurt Warner and his bible verses, or Bret Favre and his folksy dick pix. 

Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa

     I had no particular animus towards the Panthers coming into this game. They were (I thought) very similar to SF: a tough team who relies on their defense to make big plays and their offense to not screw it all up. They also have a QB who can make your defense shake their head trying to figure out what exactly happened on that last play.

     Imagine my surprise when they morphed into a Jeff Fisher coached team, then. Tough talk, chippy penalties, late hits, showboating- they had the works. Acting like a perennial contender rather than a pathetic franchise who was making their first playoff appearance in half a decade. Well, I hope they're going home humbled. They got a bit of a glimpse of how an ACTUAL superbowl contender does business, and that was extremely satisfying.

     That first half was nerve-racking, their offense was moving the ball at will and Kaepernick was throwing off his back foot in between 2 closing LBs trying to thread the ball right in front of DBs, a trait I hope he dispenses with, like, yesterday.

     But gawd damn, our team has some good coaches. What a GREAT drive at the end of the half. That was one of the best drives of the year, capped off by Vernon Davis making the kind of play that I didn't know he had in him. Getting free of their supposed Patrick Willis clone, opening himself up, and dragging his foot perfectly for the TD. Just awesome.

     Then those coaches remembered that Frank Gore plays for them, and in the 2nd half they chose to give him the ball. Hunter was great, too. The running game, as it should, sealed a great win for the 49ers, and Kaepernick flashed his incredible ability one more time to add a nice cherry on top. Mocking Cam's celebration was, given the way the Panthers had been representing themselves, entirely justified and I stood and applauded. Just so awesome.

     For whatever reason, I had a terrible feeling before watching that the 49ers were not going to win. They showed up big time. Now we get a week of the media's collective genitals exploding prior to The Rematch to End All Rematches next week. I like SF's chances. Seattle's offense sucks. LET'S DO THIS.

     Oh, and given that ABSOLUTE HORSE SHIT roughing the passer call, which single-handedly kept Carolina in the game, I like how one of the narratives from this game is the Panthers were plagued by "questionable calls". Bull shit, New York media. Get a grip.

I enjoy symmetry

     The 1988 49ers were a bit of a rudderless mess sitting at 6-5 and coming off 2 straight terrible losses in games they should have won. They turned their season around with a big primetime win against the Washington Redskins.

     The 2013 49ers were a bit of a rudderless mess sitting at 6-4 and coming off 2 straight terrible losses in games they should have won. They turned their season around with a big primetime win against the Washington Redskins!

     We can only hope the seasons have a similar ending as well.

WOW

     That was the kind of game they've lost this year- Close, tight, tense, annoying, stupid breaks for the other team, giving up ridiculous long passes, missing short field goals, going nowhere on offense. But whoo doggie they came through when it counted. Kaepernick is just money when it counts this year. Really, the whole team has been. LMJ strikes at the most opportune moment, Boldin stays clutch, and HOLY CRAP YES QUINTON PATTON!!!! How effing amazing was THAT!

     LMJ is the man. Between the Patriots game last year and this one, he has now won them 2 games with huge plays, taking the momentum from other teams' scores and jiu-jitsuing it right back at them. Frigeen awesome. And HOW LONG have we been waiting for a WR drafted by the 49ers to make the kind of play Patton made? Could it be that we finally have an awesome young WR to watch? He's got great timing if so.

     Just a great win, I'd much rather see them play that hilarious GB defense than have to travel all the way to Philly (because Dallas is not winning tonight) and try to deal with that nonsense after a long trip. Awesome stuff, and a great way to go into the playoffs. Things are shaping up well for them.

I love this team

   

     When this defense is locked in, it makes the most tedious part of most NFL games (the times when your team doesn't have the ball) appointment viewing. Opposing offenses are not going anywhere. Want to try a running play? Thanks for the free down! It's now 2nd and 9. Good luck. Oh, you'd like to pass? Better get rid of it in 3 seconds, and even then you'll most likely be getting hit by one of 4 big, hulking dudes who just threw your personal protectors on the ground like they were Raggedy Andy. Good luck!

     In the Era Of Harbaugh, the 49ers have made super boring football totally watchable and fun. It's really fun for me to watch this level of defensive dominance, punctuated by a special teams unit that does its job perfectly.

per·fect  (pûrfkt)

adj.

 Thoroughly skilled or talented in a certain field or area; proficient.

 Completely suited for a particular purpose or situation

     Yes, that is the 49ers' special teams. An area of the game most often ignored by casual fans and pundits, yet one that is meticulously crafted on this team, and essential to its success.

     I would love more plays like the Vernon Davis bomb. I wish Kaepernick would advance 2 years in the next 2 games, but that's probably not going to happen. The good news is that it doesn't have to, this team is built to withstand even TERRIBLE offensive play. If the offense is even half-decent (and it was better than that today), they will win any game they are playing.

     The one issue is settling for field goals. If they are gonna beat Seattle at home, they need to turn 2 or 3 of those 4 Dawson field goals into touchdowns. The Seahawks are too good and too roided up to be able to rely on stupid mistakes. They better continue to improve if they hope to win playoff games on the road.

     Seattle is a Schaub pick 6 and 3 yards in St Louis away from 10-4. The 49ers are a terrible call and 2 points away from being 12-2. Who's the juggernaut? Offensive miscues aside, the 49ers are coming together at the right time, and damn that defense is awesome. They are set up very nicely. 2 more wins and they'll probably avoid Seattle until the 3rd round.

Frank Gore

     Frank Gore. Frank. Gore. FrankGore. FRANK GORE.

     When all is said and done, he will be in the hall of fame and will go down as the best running back to ever play in San Francisco. I couldn't ask for a better franchise pillar at that position- he exemplifies everything that a running back should be, and does it all without being a huge douche bag. It's been a pleasure watching him, and whenever I think about him in the future, I will remember today. Good god that run was amazing.

     That it came against a supposedly impenetrable defense just adds yet more amazingness to the fact that it may have single-handedly put the team into the playoffs. Who knows, maybe in February we'll be sipping champagne at a super bowl party and looking back on today as the day that cemented the team into a playoff spot. It's fitting that Frank Gore was at the center of perhaps the biggest win of the year so far. The remaining games on the schedule are very winnable, and if they do that then they will make the playoffs.

     Obviously Seattle will win the division, but that win was about a lot more than that. Primarily it was required because Arizona seems to be good now, and SF needs to stay ahead of them, but not to be overlooked is the fact the 49ers are still the daddys in this rivalry. Sure, Seattle can win at home with their ridiculous stadium and referees who would rather piss themselves than make a call against their secondary, but they cannot beat San Francisco at the Stick. They couldn't beat MIKE SINGLETARY at the stick, you think they have a shot against Harbaugh? Well, this year was their best chance. Everything is going their way this year. Every goddamn thing that could possibly go right for them has gone right. And they still couldn't do it. Because FRANK GORE, that's why. THAT'S why this win was so incredibly satisfying, and why it will sustain me through a godawful winter that has already begun. The 49ers still own Seattle at home. Oh, and they won in Seattle not that long ago, too.

     The defense needs to be singled out for particular acclaim, because oh my god they were incredible. Holding Seattle to a FG after that return at the end was absolutely foundational to this win. They did not give up any back-breaking long plays that Seattle has thrived on this year, and Russell pig face Wilson was not able to run free, ever. They locked down in coverage and were still able to contain him. Amazing, amazing performance.

     Just a great win in every way. The offense is still not running at full tilt, and Kaepernick is misfiring on short passes at a slightly alarming rate, but they still got it done. They're coming together at the right time, and this was a big big big win. Just awesome.
   

True Colors

     The Rams once again showed theirs: fake tough personified. Big talkers and cheap-shotters who come up short on the field. They want so desperately to be a part of the big bad boys in the NFC West, but they simply are not. Even Arizona is tougher than they are at this point. They have certainly performed better than I would have thought a team captained by Kellen Clemens could, but they have a long ways to go before they are on the 49ers' level.


     Nice, if expected win for the squad. Obviously we shouldn't take any win for granted, especially after the last 2 weeks. It's nice to see them holding serve against the bad teams on the schedule. If they do nothing more than that, they will make the playoffs without issue. If they step it up, they still have an outside shot at the division (go Saints...ugh. Kill me now for having to root for them). A New Orleans win tomorrow and a 49ers win next week puts them 1 down with 3 to go, and Seattle would have the tiebreak. Obviously a very outside shot, but a man can dream. Nothing would please me more than that group of cheaters collapsing and receiving their just desserts.

   
     I couldn't bring myself to write anything after the Panthers or Saints games, because I was too angry to form coherent thought. That Saints game was a complete traveshamockery. The 49ers made the play to win it, and the refs forced them to make another one, which they could not. Completely ridiculous ending to that one. As for the Panthers, they appear to be a legitimately tough team. That was a good win for them, but wow the 49ers really should have had it. That was hard to watch. Definite 07 flashbacks were happening.


      With the addition of Crabtree, the offense is once again a legitimate NFL unit, and if Patton is able to contribute even a very very small amount, the offense will be vastly improved over the last quarter of the season. This is finally the group we were expecting all season, a group with sufficient weapons to force a defense to cover the entire field, which should open things up for the read option and multiple-look running attack again. Very encouraging sign today, though obviously the offense is still not clicking on all cylinders.

     Big big game next week, they need to win against at least one good team this year. Seattle's cheating is starting to catch up with them in the form of multiple suspensions, so that game is very winnable. Should be a fun one.

Quick question

    Aldon Smith is coming back. He's played in 3 of 8 games, but still leads the team with 4.5 sacks. I wonder if all the haters who think "he's only good because of Justin Smith" know that? If it's all Justin Smith, then why aren't Lemonier and Skuta (both of whom have been roundly praised by coaches and media) racking up sack totals in Aldon's absence? Huh.

     Obviously I hope his life has straightened out. If he has a severe problem with addiction, it's not fixed after 1 month. It'll never be really "fixed", but I wonder how much good a single month away is going to do him when he's thrust back into the life of an NFL starter. I hope he makes it through OK. I also hope all the doubters and people who knock his ability will shut their mouths.

So Beautimous

     That's much more like it re: the offense. In this first half they looked a lot more like the guys we saw when Kap took over last year. Not perfect by any means, but the QB running is working again (I wonder if his injury is better, or if the Titans didn't get the memo on how to stop that?), and that's opening everything else up. Kap is being extremely efficient with his passing, even with the complete lack of acceptable targets. They're running the FULLBACK out wide for god's sake. Crabtree and Manningham cannot get back soon enough. This team needs some NFL wide receivers.


     May seem like a little thing, but the defense clamped down there at the end of the half. 2 timeouts + a 2 minute warning against a team that's really good at scoring late. Usually the 49ers love to give away those free points at the end of a half, I loved the way they looked. Titans couldn't even use their timeouts because they were thoroughly controlled. The Special teams are kicking tail too. This team looks like the one I was expecting to see for most of the first 6 games.


     Also, the Rams are the worst kind of fake-tough. They wish they were Seattle or the 49ers. They are not. They want to be with the big boys by cheap-shotting and trash talking, but they can't back it up. And Jeff Fisher is overrated.