January 22, 2012 still leaves a bad taste in the old pie hole. Thanks to several dozen 49ers shortcomings, the loathsome NY
Giants stole that championship game and went on to win the goddamn
super bowl. Accordingly, perhaps deservedly, those of us who could
stomach the telecast were treated to dazed man-child Eli Manning earning
his second Super Bowl MVP trophy. This just two weeks after his epic
beat down at the hands of the Niners' heroic defense. I've been avoiding football thanks to that turd of a game, but now with the second worthless preseason game out of the way, I'm finding my way back to slavish homerdom and preparing for the return of the dudes in red and gold. My Sunday Ticket is paid up and ready to go, my basement fridge is stocked, and my faith in Jim Harbaugh's assholish genius is strong. So let's do a schedule preview after the jump.
Niners at Packers - Win
After last year's first preseason game with the Saints, where injury enthusiast Gregg Williams blitzed like it was, well, a divisional playoff game, I figured if Harbaugh really was a great coach in the Walsh tradition, he'd find a way to avenge this breach of exhibition game etiquette. He did, spectacularly, and his team outhit, outplayed, and ultimately humiliated the Saints defense. Using that obviously stupid Walshian vengeance-logic, I think Harbaugh finds a way to win at Lambeau for the first time since 1990 (though Don fucking Beebe was down and we should have won there in 1996). Best porn name on opposing team: Donald Driver
Niners vs Lions - Win
We know where the media hype will focus, but real fans will be watching Harbaugh's scheme neutralize the Lions' front four (again). The Lions, and their asshole-non-genius coach, were vastly overrated last year, and are bound to be this year as well. Also, the 49ers do not lose to the Lions at Candlestick. Best porn name on opposing team: Lance Long
Niners at Vikings - Win
I just can't...ugh...the last time these teams met at the yokeldome...pain...Favre. Appropriately, Mike Singletary is Minnesota's assistant head and LBs coach. The Vikings suck, their fans suck, and their legacy sucks. And Patrick Willis trumps Adrian Peterson (remember that 3 yard rushing game?). Best porn name on opposing team: A.J. Love (with Phil Loadholt a close second)
Niners at Jets - Win
By week four, an unlikely alliance of christian fundamentalists and NY media outlets will force snack and foot fetishist Rex Ryan to name that friggin' bible-humper as Jets QB. This plays right to the 49ers defense, and Focus on the Family's favorite son will manage 12 thoroughly unholy yards of offense. Best porn name on opposing team: Ryan Steed
Niners vs Bills - Win
I'm sure the Bills start the season 4-0 or 3-1. And I'm sure this game will be close...to a 45-10 blowout for the Niners. Best porn name on opposing team: Eric Wood
Niners vs NY Giants - Win
We have to do this again? It's okay. No really, it's okay. Harbaugh gets a chance to redeem himself by giving a reborn Frank Gore more than 16 carries. Or, say, Frank Gore and Brandon Jacobs. With Mario Manningham catching 12. And, it won't be funny funny, but cosmically funny, when Kyle Williams muffs a punt. Thankfully, I don't see that preventing the Niners from rolling on a super bowl slumping Giants squad. Let's be honest: the highlight on Giants game day is always Tom Coughlin's devil dance with a simultaneous myocardial infarction/cerebral aneurysm. Best porn name on opposing team: Bruce Johnson
Niners vs Seahawks - Win
Last year Pete Carroll built a pretty demonic defense (which he's always been pretty good at in the NFL), but had dick on offense. Besides Beast Mode. Though I'm sure Lynch will be below-average this year, since he'll somehow end up on my fantasy squad. Anyway, now Carroll's got that guy at QB who had one good game in Green Bay, whatshisname. I'm sure whatshisname will struggle the first quarter of the season, and probably the remainder, but my cynical Niners awareness tells me he will utterly dominate the 49ers defense in his 'coming out party' (certain to be repeated ad nauseam during the game by the NFL Network announcers). Fortunately, I see the Niners owning time of possession, minimizing the damage, and tipping their helmets to whatshisname for one of those "390/3/2 but still lost" QB lines. And don't forget, Frank Gore likes to play Seattle, good linebackers or bad. 120 yards is not out of the question in prime time. Best porn name on opposing team: Kyle Knox
Niners at Cardinals - Win
A second consecutive prime-time game completes a dominant first half of the season for the Niners. Don't you think Whisenhunt will be on the "Hot Seat" (surely an Ikea POANG set afire) by week eight? Sure, the whizz can draw up a pretty trick play, and has a solid defense, but he has Mike Singletary-esque quarterback management skills. That is, none. So let me get this straight: you have the best receiver in the NFL, but your QBs consist of another one of those whatshisnames who had one good game with the Eagles, and a third-year, fifth-round pick who already hit his ceiling? Unforgivable waste of Larry Fitzgerald's prime. And the 49ers are out for justice after last year's upset. And damn, they're good. Best porn name on opposing team: Jared Crank
Bye - Win
Injuries heal. Jim Harbaugh self-scouts, creates 82 new formations along with several barely legal shifts. Best porn name on team: Perrish Cox
Niners vs Rams - Win
Down-homey Jeff Fisher is a good coach, and I'm sure he'll have himself a tough, push-broom-like team that hits hard and punishes clean shaven upper lips. Unfortunately, Steven Jackson has been wasted on so many awful Rams teams, that he may miss out on a good one. But seriously, fuck the Rams. Who cares. Best porn name on opposing team: Quinton Pointer
Niners vs Bears - Win
Jay Cutler is many things. A man of letters, an emotional lover, a fun time at laser-tag. He is not, however, effective against the 49ers defense. Another Monday night game for the Niners, another win. Chilo Rachal returns to the bay area and showcases his shitty blocking technique. Someone mentions the '72 Dolphins in passing. Jim Harbaugh corrects them stating the '84 Niners were a much better team. Best porn name on opposing team: Michael Bush
Niners at Saints - Win
Jim Harbaugh is angered anew by revelations about Gregg Williams bounty on Frank Gore and Alex Smith, and decides running up the score is too good for the Saints. He actually lets New Orleans go up with a minute remaining, then tears out their last shred of sanity with a last second Smith to Vernon Davis touchdown pass. Best porn name on opposing team: Jermon Bushrod
Niners at Rams - Win
By Week 13, they're talking draft position in St. Louis. Toughest leprechaun on opposing team: Cortland Finnegan
Niners vs Dolphins - Win
Ooooh, that's right, we play the AFC East this year. Sweet, that means we get to see what the super bowl XLVI actually should have looked like. No no, not the Dolphins, next week's opponents.
Niners at Patriots - Win
You have Gronkowski and Hernandez? I see you Willis and Bowman, and raise you a 'your defense sucks, and your Oline blows, and that's why you lost the super bowl'. Best porn name on opposing team: Deion Branch
Niners at Seahawks - Win
And now we enter the boring part of the schedule. At least I hope it's as boring as it looks on paper, and not a nail-biting two games of NFC West tightrope walking barely edging out these two shit teams with annoying fans and fucked if I know how people tolerate their SBN sites. Dumbest Name on opposing team: Kregg Lumpkin
Niners vs Cardinals - Win
See above. Gayest name on opposing team: William Gay
So, uh, 17-0 with that successful bye week.
