Did you know the 2013 Carolina Panthers have the best
defense in the NFL? If you skimmed any 49ers-Seahawks related comment sections
this past week, you'd certainly know. You'd have heard Seattle stepped up when
it counted, using their superior talent to barely pull out a touchdown against
the relentlessly awesome, all-time great Carolina Panthers defense.
You'd also know December 23, 2012 marked the greatest
victory in NFL history. A victory so epic, so enduring, that Seahawks fans are
physically unable to resist mentioning it. Over and over.
You'd also know CenturyLink Field is home to the greatest
and loudest fans ever. Fans so passionate, they scream during pregame warmups,
the national anthem, even halftime. They are LOUD. And mind you, it totally has
nothing to do with a clamshell shaped stadium obviously designed to amplify crowd
noise to unnatural and inhumane levels. Nothing at all to do with a design that
directs and multiplies crowd noise directly to the field.
It's all those amazing Seattle fans who love football and
fluorescents.
So we know going in the Niners will call a timeout early
in the game, and the Twelfth Assholes will go apeshit, and then there will be a
delay of game, and those fuckers will get naked and start blowing each other in
the stands, then there will be a false start, and the collective orgasm and
self-congratulations will explode your TV set and kill any unfortunate 49ers
fan in the stands.
Know this: referees do not call penalties on Seattle at
home. At least meaningful ones. There may be an 'excessive celebration' penalty
assessed on a touchdown, or a 'too many men on the field' on a field goal
attempt that won't matter, but those holds that spring Marshawn Lynch for an
early TD, those tackles before the ball gets there in the secondary, they will
be ignored.
Now that you know this, you can watch the game in a less
agitated state. Because if there is one thing the Twelfth Cocksucker succeeded
doing, it's scaring the zebras.
