2019: A year of redemption

2018: We suffered an extremely annoying loss to Minnesota to start our season of optimism

2019: We blew the GD doors off (essentially) the same team in a much more important game, knocking them out of the playoffs.

2017/18: We were blown out by the Rams 3 of 4 times

2019: We blew out the rams, and then beat them in heartbreaking fashion, knocking them out of the playoffs.

2017: We lost 5 straight games by 3 points or fewer

2019: We won 3 of 4 games by 5 points or fewer to end the season, each of which was critical to winning the division.

1995-2010: Oh my god, I really hate the Packers! 

2019: Ok, we also had 2011-2013 on this one, but blowing out the packers in the NFC Championship game is some pretty fucking sweet revenge for the amount of pain they caused during my childhood.  Think of all the sad Green Bay fans tonight. Does that make you happy? It makes me happy.

2012-2018: We lost many of our most important games in Seattle, often in extremely frustrating fashion.

2019: We beat Seattle in Seattle to win the division, in a game that their fans will remember forever. It was a loss that lingers in the mind of a fan base like a deer tick, burrowing deep into your psyche and festering for years. Remember how awful the 2013 Championship game was? Well, payback feels pretty good. They probably make the championship game at the very least if Dre Greenlaw isn't a perfect tackler. 

2013: Richard Sherman tips a (pretty awful) pass in the end zone for an INT, costing the 49ers a trip to a superbowl they almost certainly would have won

2019: Richard GD Sherman intercepts Aaron Rodgers to seal a trip to the super bowl for the 49ers.

2018: Jimmy G tears his ACL in a week 3 game against the Chiefs

2019: A revamped defense exposes the Chiefs' offense, and the Chiefs' porous defense is completely unable to stop the 49ers run game in a much more important game, and the 49ers win the  Super Bowl. (Probably!)

This team did not deserve support in 2015 or 2016. They made a decision in 2017 that at the very least bought them some good will. They were willing to be patient and let a new crew make an effort to right the ship. 

The results are just staggering. 13 out of the last 17 years, this team has been, not just bad, but abjectly horrendous. Now they're on the sport's biggest stage. 

Feels pretty good! 

Just Pay the Man

Nobody's ever done this before.

First of all, nobody in the NFL makes trades. Nobody trades a promising young Quarterback for a single non-1st round pick. No Quarterback has ever gone to a new team in the middle of the season and immediately been hailed as a savior. No Quarterback has stepped in to a 1-9 team averaging 16 points a game (it's way less if you don't include that nonsensical Rams game) and immediately transformed them into a top 5 offense. No player has ever gone to a downtrodden franchise with a young rookie starting QB and been able to unite an entire locker room behind him, having them view him as a leader rather than a spoiled inheritance child.

All of which is to say: this never happens. This, literally, has never happened. So when I see idiots on the internet (my bad for reading online hawt takes, but when your team is in the spotlight after years of hiding under a trash heap, you kind of can't help it) comparing this deal to Matt Cassel, or Scott Mitchell, or Matt Flynn, it makes me angry enough to come to my own little corner of the internet and scream into the abyss for a few minutes.

In each of those cases, and in literally any other case anyone would like to cite in the entirety of NFL history, an inexperienced Quarterback that received a startlingly large contract from a team other than the team that drafted him never performed well for the team that gave him that contract. Please, someone go find me an example of a Quarterback who came to a new team in the middle of their career, performed well, received a large money deal, and then flamed out. I will wait! I'm an NFL nerd to a very sad extent and I can't think of a single example. The 49ers traded Joe Montana to the Chiefs, they didn't fucking trade Steve Young. Steve Young was the guy waiting in the wings. You don't trade THAT guy!

The typical scenario is: guy gets chance with original team, guy performs well over hilariously small sample size, guy gets traded for some insanely moronic return, guy gets huge money from sucker team, guy sucks. THAT IS NOT WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED HERE.

What actually happened, is: guy got very limited chance with original team, guy performed well, guy sat on bench behind (maybe!) greatest Quarterback any of us will ever see, said Quarterback got pissy, forced team to trade guy to new team, Head Coach didn't want to trade guy, so he passive-aggressively waited until the last possible second and shipped him to the other side of the universe for peanuts in return, guy instantly changes entire trajectory of new team.

Nobody who loves the 49ers will ever forget Colin Kaepernick's first start. That feeling of "hoooooly shit we actually have a guy running our offense who can make those plays!". That feeling wore off pretty quick. The 2012 49ers offense was fantastic, but it was fairly obvious to anyone watching that Kaepernick was relying on his pure athleticism and overpowering speed to make plays, and once defenses figured out that the key to stopping him was "literally make him progress to the 2nd option on a pass play and make sure you have, like, a couple dudes keeping him from running", his effectiveness would be very limited.

Jimmy is the first guy since Steve Young on this team at that position where you don't have to say "yes, he's (blank), but..." Garcia was an odd mix of athleticism and grindey white guy who will give you 110% but is not actually The Guy. Alex was...I mean he's just Alex. He will throw 22 TDs. He will throw 5 INTs. He will not do much else. Colin was an athletic freak the type of which we may never see again, but he could not go through a progression on a pass play if more than 2 reads were necessary.

Jimmy will stand in the pocket. Jimmy will move when necessary, and not a second before. Jimmy will know what your defense is. Jimmy will know where his targets will be within your defense. Jimmy will find the correct target, and distribute the ball to that target in an orderly and efficient manner. Jimmy will not leave the field after yet another fucking 3 and out. Jimmy will move the ball, and will score points on almost every single drive. He was 31/49 total on drives that he lead. He scored points 6 goddamn 3 percent of the time when he had control of the ball.

The 49ers averaged 16 points a game before him, with him in control they scored under 20 once- his first start.

Let me put the negatives in this paragraph: he struggles with accuracy on some deep throws. That concludes this paragraph.

WHO HAS DONE THIS BEFORE?! He didn't know the team! He had one month in the offense! He was learning plays during the week in preparation for real, actual NFL games, one of which was against a team that was a few plays away from playing in the goddamn Super Bowl!

This. Does. Not. Happen.

Ever.

Do not compare Jimmy to anyone else. There has never been a Jimmy before, we are living in a time where history is being written. Years from now we will be seeing NFL Network specials about how the Patriots' dynasty ended, and how fortunate the 49ers were to be there when it happened.

I haven't been this sure about something since the time, immediately after the press conference announcing Jim Harbaugh's hire, when I came here and essentially had an orgasm. "This is going to be fuuuuuun", I said. It was! For a lot of the time.

I'd like to quote myself: This, friends, is going to be really, really, really fuuuuuuuuun. 

Well Now, This is Certainly Unexpected

I'm not sure what you guys are up to in your lives these days, if you have notifications for posts on this wasteland, or indeed if you are even aware that the San Francisco 49ers are still an organization playing football in the NFL.

If, like me, you've been actively avoiding this goddamn train wreck of a franchise for the last 3 years, bravo! I believe we are better as people for the experience. After having entire weeks ruined by bad performances, I quite enjoyed not being able to name any of the players on the 49ers, or indeed any other NFL team.

The combination of the dull, numb, almost metronomic putridity of the 49ers and the weekly breaking of a new story about a former NFL player killing himself, killing his family, lying in a mental home, or stumbling around blindly thanks to his career choice left me feeling pretty gross about tuning in for games.

Put it this way- for the Super Bowl last year, I chose to watch regular season League of Legends matches over going to a friend's party. I was pretty out, as out as anyone can be on a sport, I suppose.

But, of course, they pulled me back in. I'm still trying to process what exactly happened with the Trent/Jed/Jim unholy trifecta, who turned on who, who was responsible for what, who wanted who to leave and when, and what the fuck Jed was thinking when he decided to choose an inept, insane, moronic GM over the most successful coach the team had seen since Bill Walsh.

The decision Jed made to fire everyone and then hand 6 year contracts to a GM whose bonfides were "hey people seem to think he's a cool dude" and a head coach who'd just overseen an offense that chose to throw the ball 3 times while up 8 on the opponent's 20 yard line with 3 minutes left in the goddamn Super Bowl was sort of classic Jed.

By this point, I'd moved on from thinking this was malicious. Jed wanted what was right for this team, he's just not capable of delivering it. No amount of "HEY FAITHFUL!" videos from this joke of a GM hire were going to change that.

Not sure anyone will ever be able to explain to me how a first year GM with no experience was able to put together a better draft with 3 months of prep than a seasoned career scout and personnel man had since 2012. If you can stand to, take a look at every draft under Trent Baalke. 2011 was pretty good, since then it's been absolute dog feces. Deforest Buckner may very well be the only player he chose in FIVE YEARS that ends up making an all pro team. I hope you're enjoying your time off, Trent. I don't think any other NFL teams will be ringing you any time soon.

I was fairly certain I was out on football. I was following the 49ers this season out of morbid curiosity, wondering if this GM is actually the goods, and whether or not this coach is actually as good as everyone said, or if having Julio Jones and 2 pro bowl QBs would make anyone good.

BUT THEN.

omfg

wait look at those eyes wtf

is it even legal to be that handsome

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Shoot it in my veins, football. I'm back. Get it in between the toes. I'm never leaving again.


This fuckin' guy, you guys. This guy.


a 1-9 team is now 4-0. Sure, the roster improved and got experience but who are we kidding? This guy is taking dudes who would be lucky to be 3rd options on a real team and turning them into 1000 yard receivers. He's making the best defense in the NFL look like a pop warner squad while playing behind a sieve offensive line and throwing to scrubs.

Is there a reason this guy can't be the best quarterback in the NFL? Can you tell me what kind of person is able to come to a team in the middle of a season with 0 understanding of the offense and 0 previous connections with any of the players, with a 1-9 record and then win four fucking games in row?!


This is for real. This guy is legit, and the 49ers went from "holy goddamn this team sucks" to "wow they're actually going to the playoffs" the instant he set foot in the state of California.


Football, I'm back. Please don't take Jimmy G spot from me. I like what he's doing to my insides.

Seven Years Later

I was just thinking how sad it is we're back to the same type of team we had when we initially created and named this website.

THERE They Are!

Normal service has been resumed, everyone. If you'd asked me what the 49ers' biggest issues were going to be this season, I would have responded, in order of importance:

• Defense (nearly 50 points given up!)
• Coaching (2 pointers galore! Who knew that was a thing?!)
• Offense (garbage time is the best time!)
• Literally everything else

I didn't watch even one second of this game, but judging from the box score, it went exactly as I imagined it would- the defense had no answer for a competent NFL offense, and the offense could not keep up because it is being run by people who do not belong in the NATIONAL. FOOTBALL. LEAGUE. 

Maybe it took one week for the system to reboot, maybe there was a lingering program from the previous operating system. Or maybe the Vikings just really suck! Ether way, the team that played yesterday is the team we're getting this season. I hope you guys enjoy the extra time on your fall Sundays as much as I did yesterday! It was fabulous! 

Huh

I'm not sure you could have scripted a more perfect metaphor for this franchise over the past 5 years than what happened on that opening drive. Expectations are historically low, their performance out of the gate surprises you: hey, maybe they're on to something here! Whoa! WHOA!!!!...holding, fail, fail, blocked FG.

"They show promise, they come away with nothing- YOUR San Francisco 49ers!"

Even the little promise they've shown in this game is very deceiving. The Vikings are not a good club. This is a battle of 2 sub-par teams doing an NFL impersonation, and none of us knows any better because it's week one. Very amateur mistakes on both sides, failure to capitalize on glaring opportunities, poor clock management, and Jarryd Hayne.

3 plays that sum up what we have to look forward to this season: blocked FG, Hayne dropping a punt, and the defense needing Bridgewater to run into his own offensive lineman, and still hardly getting a sack out of it.

This is precisely what I would have expected from this crew: talented players at some spots, but held back by poor planning and mental mistakes, which will not go away as time passes. If anything they will get worse. I feel confident posting this halfway through the 2nd quarter because I will not be proven wrong by this lot.

Edit 1: Oh hey guys they did it again! You knew as soon as Ellington caught that punt that it was going for a TD, and that it would be called back. A horrendous decision by Zimmer is bailed out by horrendous execution by the 49ers. These are professional teams, y'all!

Edit 2: Carlos Hyde is pretty OK- there, I said something nice about them. That was quite a spin move. Dayum.

Edit 3: The defense always has and always will own Adrian Peterson. So...that's cool I guess. But they're about to give up a hail mary at the end of the half.

Edit 4: Even better! A holding call! hahahahahahahah here we go you guys!

Edit 5: Holy s**t Carlos Hyde.

Why Don't the Seahawks Want Marshawn Lynch to Win Them A Game?

Everything possible has been said about Seattle's decision to pass rather than letting their 450 pound steroid-riddled running back walk in to the end zone and deliver them a second championship, so why go there again? Well, they kind of made us go there with their (there's no other word for it) bizarre play call yesterday.

Does Pete Carroll feel an obsessive need to be smarter than everyone else? Do they really, really, really not want to pay the man? Do they just not like him personally? How else does one explain those two situations- one in which a simple handoff from the one yard line was shunned in favor of an overly complex pick play against 3 defensive backs, and one in which a simple handoff on a 4th-and-one game-deciding play was shunned in favor of a shotgun draw?

Everyone in the stadium, on the sidelines, in the press box, watching at home, and on the friggen space station knew that Lynch was getting the ball on that play. There's no way that Carroll, after facing the absolute avalanche of hate and abuse this offseason, was going to pass in that situation. So why pretend? Why on earth would you handicap your offense like that, when you know the defense is thinking one thing? Why wouldn't you pass there? If you're really smarter than everyone, that's the play to make. I quite literally do not understand what they were thinking.

All of which is a very long way to say: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

We are relegated to cheering other people's failures this season. We may as well enjoy it. The Cardinals look good, they're my pick for the division. We'll be fighting with St Louis for the last spot. They did everything they could to lose that game, and Seattle refused to take it. That was quite a show.

Dealing with the Devil's Tortured Analogies

You know those old b.s. stories about Led Zeppelin, where Jimmy Page supposedly used his occult magick to help record sales and all that shit. How the band's spiritual payment came due, and Robert Plant got in a bad car accident, and his wife almost died, and his son did eventually die? And they recorded Presence and In Through the Out Door? And of course, it eventually led (no pun) to even worse fates, and Zeppelin disbanded? 

That reminds me of the 49ers right now. Still paying the piper for 1981 - 1998. 

It's just going to get worse. When has a rumor not culminated in reality for this group? Remember scoffing at the Harbaugh to Cleveland trade rumors. 

Remember, rich kid got his rich guy stadium. 

Me the rest of this offseason. 

49ers: Sign Andre Johnson

Sign Andre Johnson. That is all. Sign Andre Johnson.

Adding This to the Pile

Oh hey, there's more proof that the guys in charge have no idea what they are doing. This is getting comical, I'm really not a betting type but I'm strongly considering laying down whatever I have on the "under" for 49ers wins next season.

I mean, you were going to force this guy to hire your DC? Then you tried to bring him back after you denied him the head coaching position?! What the hell is wrong with these people?